Since I was little, I keep my thoughts and emotions to myself. I didn’t feel the need to burden people. I took the saying take care of others than yourself seriously. Who would want to hear the feelings or thoughts I had? Who would actually care? I shrugged my shoulders, no one does. They are too busy to notice anything.
And sure, I would lie saying I am fine. Or life is great. When at the time, it wasn’t. The pressure of the teen. Making friends when everyone has already choose their circle of friends. Questioning whether or not to tag along with your brothers and their friends. Then just putting myself in a group even when I felt like an outsider and still do.
Then when I thought my world was fine, it crumbled faster than ever when my grandfather died. And I thought God was punishing me and I felt back and avoided His Word and lied that I read the Bible daily but didn’t at all.
And sure, blocking everyone was not helpful in my journey but losing a childhood friend among the mess I created made my spiritual journey worsen. I felt betrayed. I felt alone. And sure, I’m not a person that loves physical touch but saying anything during my grief would help me a little.
Like most people, people grieve by crying but I didn’t. I push his death aside and I didn’t want to think of losing him. But when hallucinations and dreams, came along. I knew I was truly blocking his death. I didn’t want to accept that he was gone.
From grief, losing a friend like a sister, I thought what better way to heal was to distance myself. To block the friends.
And yes, its been a hot minute, since I actually spoke to people I used to talk in a honest conversation. Of how I feel. Where I stand.
And I still at the stage of trusting anyone on how I feel because the mouth speaking faster and really don’t want to be the gossip. I don’t want the misunderstanding of my words, be something else.
But I was tired of selfishness. I am tired of the hate. I tired of the lies, fakeness, and dishonesty. I tired of small talk. Tired of always trying to communicate when no one wants to show commitment.
Just a few weeks ago, I had to take a break because anxiety attacks came and gone for no reason. I slowly becoming emotional and physical exhausted. Work, stress, stress of why I was so stressed. Trying to make things good but only making things worst. Getting no answers when I was trying so hard to show people that I actually wanted to hang out with them.
But I’m done. Sure, distance shouldn’t break a friendship. But to feel like you are the only one trying to find time in your schedule to hang out. Trying to fix something that was already broken in pieces.
And sure, I was attempting to fix all those years of distancing myself from people. I wanted to be more social but what do I get for trying, nothing.
I’m breaking free. Exposing myself. Being loyal to people but realizing no one actually cares. Or they are just sick of fake excuses of being distance from everyone. Being the last choice for things. Always been left out. No one cares what I love so much.
I honestly don’t care if I lose people from this. I doubt anyone I call a friend will actually read this post. Done trying. I just done.
I’m breaking free from the cage, I created for myself.
I’m free.
Now for new friends, new adventures, and happy memories.
Life of An Owl Nerd 