Breaking Free

Since I was little, I keep my thoughts and emotions to myself. I didn’t feel the need to burden people. I took the saying take care of others than yourself seriously. Who would want to hear the feelings or thoughts I had? Who would actually care? I shrugged my shoulders, no one does. They are too busy to notice anything.

And sure, I would lie saying I am fine. Or life is great. When at the time, it wasn’t. The pressure of the teen. Making friends when everyone has already choose their circle of friends. Questioning whether or not to tag along with your brothers and their friends. Then just putting myself in a group even when I felt like an outsider and still do.

Then when I thought my world was fine, it crumbled faster than ever when my grandfather died. And I thought God was punishing me and I felt back and avoided His Word and lied that I read the Bible daily but didn’t at all.

And sure, blocking everyone was not helpful in my journey but losing a childhood friend among the mess I created made my spiritual journey worsen. I felt betrayed. I felt alone. And sure, I’m not a person that loves physical touch but saying anything during my grief would help me a little.

Like most people, people grieve by crying but I didn’t. I push his death aside and I didn’t want to think of losing him. But when hallucinations and dreams, came along. I knew I was truly blocking his death. I didn’t want to accept that he was gone.

From grief, losing a friend like a sister, I thought what better way to heal was to distance myself. To block the friends.

And yes, its been a hot minute, since I actually spoke to people I used to talk in a honest conversation. Of how I feel. Where I stand.

And I still at the stage of trusting anyone on how I feel because the mouth speaking faster and really don’t want to be the gossip. I don’t want the misunderstanding of my words, be something else.

But I was tired of selfishness. I am tired of the hate. I tired of the lies, fakeness, and dishonesty. I tired of small talk. Tired of always trying to communicate when no one wants to show commitment.

Just a few weeks ago, I had to take a break because anxiety attacks came and gone for no reason. I slowly becoming emotional and physical exhausted. Work, stress, stress of why I was so stressed. Trying to make things good but only making things worst. Getting no answers when I was trying so hard to show people that I actually wanted to hang out with them.

But I’m done. Sure, distance shouldn’t break a friendship. But to feel like you are the only one trying to find time in your schedule to hang out. Trying to fix something that was already broken in pieces.

And sure, I was attempting to fix all those years of distancing myself from people. I wanted to be more social but what do I get for trying, nothing.

I’m breaking free. Exposing myself. Being loyal to people but realizing no one actually cares. Or they are just sick of fake excuses of being distance from everyone. Being the last choice for things. Always been left out. No one cares what I love so much.

I honestly don’t care if I lose people from this. I doubt anyone I call a friend will actually read this post. Done trying. I just done.

I’m breaking free from the cage, I created for myself.

I’m free.

Now for new friends, new adventures, and happy memories.

Why do you hate yourself?

I dug myself into a hole and I don’t how to get out. So hide the pain. Hide the tears. Hide the fear. Hide myself from everything around me. I use only distractions to cover my hatred of my own body. I use blood to be my satisfaction. But why? They say because its safer. It safer. People don’t care.

This is what people say to themselves. Before things worse and they hit depression, self harm and some cases: suicide.

Although it feels like people don’t care, God cares. He cares because He made you. He loves. Despite the sin we created, He loves you. He cares about you. Even if you are not made perfect. He created you to live. He created to smile and love Him.

Society wants a perfect body frame, a flawless skin. Perfect clothing attire, silky smooth hair. You are not allowed to have scars, imperfections. You have to be perfect. No thigh gap, no double chin. No wrinkles. Next thing you know, you are at a cosmetic surgeon and wanting to get the surgery done to be “perfect.” No human is perfect even after you have surgery, you notice more things you hate. Don’t feel like you were born in the wrong body. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are different and it’s ok if you are different. Dress like you want to. Talk with truth. Laugh like no one is watching. When society tells you to do something always do the opposite. 

If you feel alone, you are not. You are someone and you are worth living.

Society is messed up. Its a temptation trap. It pushes you to the edge and the world begins to cave in. It digs to the root of your insanity. They tell you to be the best to be successful. Is to have a great job. To go to college. To be in a relationship. To have kids.

And sure, I have mention it before but we have to hear this. People need to know the truth. The brutal truth. Even if it pushes society off the edge. You can’t stop running. You are worth it. Put down that weapon that makes you bleed. Someone is think you are worth fighting for. Even in the world is crumbling. Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop hoping.

Journal Entry: Letting Go

Welcome back to a new post, owlnerds. Today I share a journal entry. I am currently in the progress of moving my second blog stuff to here. I thought best to work on one blog instead of juggling two. So there will be blog posts from my other blog. You have been warned.

(From Feb. 11, 2019)

So this blog post is long overdue. I probably avoiding this post for the longest even before I launched this blog itself. I told myself I would never write this but I think if you write something down it is easier to let go of the situation.

Letting go of a situation you can’t control at all is a struggle. I have been struggling it, especially with this situation. I wouldn’t go into details but if you know me you probably what the story is about. Or now know the real reason behind some of my recent actions I been doing. So I know this person for the longest time and we promised to go to the same places (college, living together, and such) but this idea we had was not the same of what God wanted. And for one, I didn’t want this to happen. And for years, I saw signs but ignored it. Since I have a tendency to give people ton of second chances.

The first signs of this were I had this person and another person really close to me but they clash. And that person knew fell apart and I couldn’t believe it happen.

The other person we got closer but slowly we fell apart. We were not close friends anymore and the worst thing is that I am too afraid to talk to the person and ask what we are anymore. Since I am afraid of being shattered again. The other worst thing about is that I see this person at least one week and I always seem to pass this person. It really is a struggle and fear I have still never get over it. So prayer would is much needed.

And being who I am, wrote poems to express my mixed feeling toward them and no one actually knows the real reason behind those poems. I really just lost myself in this. I now avoid getting close to people or making new friends because I am afraid the past will repeat itself. If you are a friend reading this, I am sorry I have been distant and it isn’t because of my introverted nature, it’s because of this.

Now I write the harder part of this post. Another thing, I struggle to let go. So around five years ago and everything was going well. A new year was happening and everything was fine until one day my family received news that would change my life forever. The news was that my grandfather I died from unknown reasons. I had already been struggling since I saw him in the hospital with blood clots in his legs around a year before. But to lose him, I think I froze. And once you hear some sad like this, you would cry and get emotional but I just didn’t. I refused to believe it. My best friend was gone. The closest family member, I had was gone. The worst thing is that I don’t know if he is heaven since he never gave testimony in his belief in God so I was basically devasted.

When people say you will see them in heaven and I know it is in God’s power whether or not he is heaven or not. But this is another thing shattered me. I shut all emotion out and started to see hallucinations of him whenever we drove to places. We would be driving I would see someone that looked like him on the side of the road but no one was actually there. I was just imagining it. The hardest thing, when you are at the store and you see someone that looks at him but know isn’t since he is not here anymore.

Its been a struggle the past several years and I still am affected by it. This is the reason why it is so hard for me to let go. And of course, they are just memories. I am trusting God in all of this. Yeah, the real reason behind my distance toward people. Thanks for reading.